Where It All Began

It was fall of 2012. My husband, Peter, and I had been married for almost 2 years and were expecting our first child. Just a few months earlier, we had moved from Greenville, SC to Raleigh, NC to work at a church. He was AVL manager, and I volunteered on the tech crew he worked with weekly. Life was happy, and simple, and ordinary.

Until just days before my due date. I went in for a routine exam, hoping they'd tell me that I would be going into labor soon, and they couldn't find the heartbeat. I remember the look on my OB's face. He went white, got very still, and calmly asked if I'd follow him to the ultrasound room, where he and his assistant tried yet again to find a sign of life in my small daughter. Same result. I was sent across the hall to a high risk doctor, who again, with a fancier machine, had the same result: no heartbeat.

My baby, my innocent, sweet, once-healthy daughter would never sleep in the tiny nursery we had carefully decorated and prepared for her. Gone were dreams of late night feedings, unending baby snuggles, unforgettable firsts. We had had a miscarriage the previous November, and I just assumed... well, after tragedy comes happiness, right? So of course this baby would be healthy... right??

The doctor, deeply moved and sorrowful, exited the room and allowed Peter and I time to process.

Alexis Loraine, 22 wks

How do you process that? There is no processing grief of that magnitude. You simply experience it, bend under it, and pray it doesn't break you. We clung to each other, crying, numb, shocked.

And then Peter started to pray. I don't remember exactly what was said, or remember feeling especially overwhelmed with heavenly comfort. What made that moment so important, is that it created a blueprint for every single bit of grief and pain the Lord had yet in store for us, and especially for this terrible moment we were currently experiencing.

When it hurts, pray. When you don't want to get up, pray. When you are confused and angry and lost... pray. God has the answers.

The next few weeks were especially dreadful. Alexis Loraine, my sweet baby, was delivered on October 9, 2012. That was a terrible, wonderful, awful day. The next few days were a flurry of memorial service preparations, burial planning, and condolence accepting. All while dealing with typical post-birth recovery. All the recovery, none of the reward. Our families arrived, and they along with our incredible church family, wrapped us in their collective arms and refused to let go. And we clung to them.

But not all the hugs and cards and flowers in the universe could touch the grief we were feeling. You simply experience it, bend under, and pray it doesn't break you. Nothing changes that. Grief is for the griever alone.

Despite the agony, we kept up the prayer, and God showed Himself strong. Many good things came from this loss, and the little life we so desperately missed (and still miss). One of the most important lessons we learned is that God is Who He says He is. Absolutely. All the time. No hesitation. When God says He is our refuge and strong tower (Ps 61)? Yeah, He means that. He really is. When He says He will never leave us or forsake us (Deut. 31:6)?

He means absolutely never, under any circumstances. It's not a religious nicety that we nod at and mumble "amen" to on a Sunday morning.

God wasn't wasting His breath. If we lean on Him, He will catch us. He promises. And 'all the promises of God find their Yes in [Christ].'(2 Cor. 1:20) We can be confident that, no matter the grief, He will be Who He promises.

I fall on that daily. If I didn't, this pain would rend me to pieces, as would countless other griefs that I have been called to carry. I pray you will do the same. Because He will catch you.

#myjourney #grief #loss #bindingthebroken #God #promises