Joining In

There are a couple questions I am often asked by those who want to help people who are grieving. The first is: "How do I help this person's grief go away?"

I really, really understand the motivation behind this concern. This person wants their friend of family member to stop hurting. It's agony to watch, and they know their friend is in agony going through it. Grief is awful, and no one wants to experience it and definitely doesn't want to helplessly watch someone else experience it.

Here's the really tough part: The answer to the question is, "You can't."

Ugh. I'm sorry. I don't want that to be the answer. I know you want to help. You're here right now because you know someone who is suffering and you, out of the empathy in your heart, want to help. But let's be blunt and get it over with; rip off the bandaid.

You cannot make their grief shorter. You cannot make it go away.

So now you're sitting there, staring at the screen on your laptop or phone, thinking, "Um...ok? So what's the point of this post??? This is not helpful!"

I promise you, it gets better from here.

While it's true that you cannot stop the grief, they have to go through that themselves and it must run its course, there is something you can do. You can join them. Sit down next to them (literally or metaphorically), wrap them up, and join them in their grief.

This sounds pretty simple, but I've found that, practically speaking, the temptation to drive the grief away is really strong. Often the 'joining in' turns to problem solving, and this just isn't going to accomplish what you're picturing in your head.

Here's why: Grieving people may very well not be able to articulate what they need or what would help. They don't know what to tell you when you ask them what you can do. They may even say, "Oh, I'm fine. I really don't need anything." They may honestly believe that's true. I'll deal in a later post with actual active ways you can encourage them in those moments, but quite often attempts to make it all "go away" will either be entirely useless or actually hurtful. However, in many cases, the grieving person will simply say "Thank you," and move on. Because they know you're trying, and they don't want to hurt your feelings.

We say things like "But look at all the wonderful things God has blessed you with!" or "It will get better!" or "What you need to do is X." or "I know exactly how you feel." (please please PLEASE don't get me started on that one) in the hopes of helping, but take a step back and view those statements objectively. Whether these statements are true or not is beside the point. The question is, are they helpful?

Will a grieving person, who can't articulate themselves what they need or feel or want, find real hope and healing in those statements or suggestions?

Some of my most healing moments have been when a friend was just there. They weren't offering solutions to my pain, or ways I could change my life to make it all go away (because let's be honest, when you have just lost someone, getting up earlier probably isn't going to make the pain magically disappear). They just sat and cried with me, and reminded me who God is, and promised they would always be there.

Each person's way of grieving is different and unique; your mission is to discover what your person needs when grieving. The way you can 'join in'. Acknowledging their grief, validating the pain they're in, is a great place to start. Let them know it's ok to be a bit of a mess. It's ok to hurt. Grief is a process they can't escape from, and they will make it out the other side. Maybe offering to help them in a tangible way, like bringing a meal, watching their kids, taking them out to coffee. And, at times, just sitting with them and crying. It's not about distracting them from the grief, that's usually impossible, but instead picking up the slack grief leaves in its wake.

I know the 'fixer' inside of you is just writhing right now, ready to spew off the 15 ways you could make their grief disappear, but I promise you it won't go down like you're seeing it in your head. Try instead to come along side them and grieve with them. Remember with them. Point them to Christ (who, by the way is the ONLY Person who can make the grief go away).

It is in those quiet, often tear-filled moments with someone you love that you will see true healing and hope begin in their hearts. And isn't that what we're really after in the first place?

#prayingforgrievingpeople #helplinggrievingpeople #grief #bindingthebroken #thebrokeninothers #joiningin #Christ #Christian