When Grief Continues
- Nov 11, 2017
- 3 min read
After I lost Alexis, I teetered between believing I had probably suffered the worst grief I would in my whole life, and expecting tragedy around every corner. I trusted that God would sustain me if I was called to more suffering, but to be honest, I was terrified.
I didn't sleep well most nights because of all the memories. It was difficult to see my friends having babies left and right, and to look down at my own empty arms. But when God blessed us just a year and two months later with sweet little Kaleigh, after a very stressful but very normal pregnancy, my heart could've burst with joy. I spent a lot of nights holding her close and dozing together between feedings because I was often crippled by fear if she wasn't in my arms. She slept in a sleeper next to me for the first 6-8 weeks of her life. I was fortunate, however, that this was the majority of the fallout from my grief. I was able to be a pretty normal mom with a pretty normal life.
My family's home after the explosion
But God knew more was coming, and He was preparing me. On June 28, 2014, just 6 months after Kaleigh was born, I got a call from my brother, Brandon. He told me there had been an explosion at our family's home in Kansas and that it had killed our 17-year-old brother, Spencer. My mom and youngest brother had been flown to Wichita in critical condition.
To say I was in shock was such an understatement. I didn't know what to feel, how to grieve. My husband scrambled to prepare for a flight early the next morning to Wichita, and I numbly followed along with each activity. Sometimes I'd stop and cry. Most times I was just a ghost floating from thing to thing, completely detached from reality. I would often start shaking for no reason, and was bone cold. The shock was severe and absolute.
The next morning the three of us (Peter, Kaleigh, and I) got on a plane to Wichita, entirely unsure of what we would discover at the other end. The next month is mostly a blur of endless days by hospital beds and in waiting rooms, and caring for Kaleigh. That small, joyful girl was our saving grace. The blessing she had been to us for 6 months was spreading around my family, and giving everyone a welcome distraction from the grief.
My youngest brother passed away July 8th, and my mother on the day of his funeral, the 14th.
My family: left to right, my dad, Mike, Spencer, my mother, Kelly, Riley, and Brandon
There are no words to describe it. I keep trying, but it's just not possible.
But God. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." (Romans 8:26) I held tight to that comfort, knowing that the Spirit knew what to say, and He was saying it on my behalf. And, as I had learned from Alexis, God is who He says He is. All the time.
His promises are not negated by my circumstances. He is much bigger than that.
The fallout from experiencing such severe losses in such a short amount of time has been intense. I'll be honest with you here: I have struggled with depression and PTSD. I still have nights that I can't sleep. I struggle with irrational fears that grip me and I can't shake them off. I am a completely different person than I was a few years ago.
But God. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1) He is who He says He is. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." (Isaiah 43:2)
God is working in me, and He has chosen to allow this suffering. "But after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." (I Peter 5:10) And He is restoring me daily. I can say with all honesty that I see His good hand in my life, and He has blessed me immensely.
More on my journey to come...
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